i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
its not stalking. its research.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
