I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
