my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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