Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
