just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
