currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
