God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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