He is such a slut. More and more my type.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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