does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
