If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
