you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
