We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
