The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
