is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sorry about my life...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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