He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
