Just cropdusted the office
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Drake has all the answers
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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