i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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