i love accidental penises.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
