I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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