very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
