once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
