dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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