dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
