There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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