the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
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