I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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