the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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