Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
