Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
