He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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