Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
