The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
