he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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