There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
