i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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