omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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