you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
