Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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