being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
