I bet he comes in French.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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