my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
