his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
