we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
