I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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