just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
