Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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