Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
