Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
