i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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