I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
