I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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