no, he came in my armpit
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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