Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
